Safe Spaces as the Ultimate Cure to Mental Health Problems
[Raw & Unedited]
Creative Self-Reflective Story [I Need A Safe Space]
Who Am I?
Robbed by my cozy blankets in these walls that I have been held in self-imprisonment for many years. I suddenly punched the mahogany wood of my bed while mumbling out a silenced scream, “I need a SAFE SPACE .!”. At that moment, I decided to write this personal essay as a first step to create my own safe space. I wanted to submit it as part of the Medium writing challenge with only two days left for the deadline.
I decided to drop my defences and be honest for the first time in my whole life. A story that would take you into my personal journey of a mental health crisis. It started with early childhood traumas that led to teenage PTSD and Anxiety Disorders. Later on, in my college days, two ugly monsters joined the Substance Addictions and Deep Depression. Things got a massive turn after my spiritual awakening when Bipolar Disorders and Suicidal Thoughts took over at my young adult age.
As a first-class African citizen and second-class Arabic citizen, I grew up in two dualities. My first eighteen years were spent in my second home Dubai. The city is one of the most accelerated cities in the region due to the adaptation of emerging technologies, international economic policies, and, most importantly, cultural trends from around the globe. For the next two decades, I lived in an opposite context that required a survival mindset. I proudly became the devoted hero, defender, and liberator of Khartoum city. I was always at the top of my classes all the way up to MBA classes after being certified as an electronics engineer, IT service management expert, and internal audit manager. A young, intelligent black boy consumed by his heroic ego blinded everyone’s eyes, including his own, from seeing a terrible illness.
After 38 years, I finally deciphered the notes of my own suffering. I realised that first, I have to admit my Mental Health fall downs and actively seek resolutions. Then secondly, I must create my own SAFE SPACE inwardly and outwardly. Without any doubt, the most essential ingredient in our psychological puzzle is to create a safe space that enables the healing of our souls and minds.
This matter is ultimately essential as we can sense the rising numbers of Mental Health tragedies that revealing a new face of our “Mad World.” It is significantly magnified at an accelerated rate when it hits marginalised communities (Socially excluded groups of people for different reasons, such as age, physical or mental disabilities, economic status, access to education, or live in isolated places or depressed areas).
I consider myself an example of the last category, “isolated places AND depressed areas.” Isolated places (or communities) refer to the remote culture of Arabic and Islamic societies, which manifested in a hideous face that denies any cultural transformation. Depressed areas refer to the status of African countries which were depressed through the active exclusion from modern life basics.
“What you want you? A house or a car?
Forty acres and a mule, a piano, a guitar
Anythin’, see, my name is Uncle Sam; I’m your dog.”
My Story
For a long time, I was occupied by a demonic ego that I constructed for more than twenty-eight years. I started this rigid construction of my ego at the age of five, after an early childhood trauma that led to the birth of an ego saturated with hunger, fear, and agony. A delusional self seeks to serve, love, and see the greatest in every human and manipulate, deceive and despise the deepest insecurities within oneself.
In my late childhood and teenage years, I always managed to be the best student with high grades and creative social powers admired by peers, teachers, and family. Yet, I also succeeded in satisfying all my lusty desires with an early criminal mind respected by peers, friends, and cousins. Both worlds continued to evolve in harmony that ignited a dangerous mix of a hungry scientist, a lawful hustler, and a bold justice seeker.
I want to start my story by flashing back to 2014 when I was thirty-three. I was totally stuck in coping mechanisms that ignored all signs of mental health issues. My Anxiety has been present since I got to Khartoum fourteen years ago. It’s been worsened by my home responsibilities and a long history of Substance Addiction. It became a Deep Depression after I started ignoring it using illegal substances. I was performing at the top of my game by switching between a “society clown” persona and a hidden “revolutionary hustler” persona. I wore different masks, one for my inner circle, another for the outer ring, and an incredibly scattered one for myself.
By the time you hear the next pop,
Now I run the game, got the whole world talkin’
King Kunta, everybody wanna cut the legs off him,
King Kunta, black man taking no losses, oh yeah.”
As the illusion continued for the well-educated young black man, who had just been promoted into almost a Senior Manager in one of the biggest country’s corporates. He began to focus on fulfilling his lusty desires into epic parties, beautiful women, and chemical heavens for the next two years. Vital mistakes started to lead to significant misdirections of his plans, such as his corporate career and intimate relationships. It led eventually into the making of high-risk decisions (a known symptom for hypomania). These decisions included quitting a promising job, ditching a dream to travel abroad, and escaping from marrying a loved one.
“And once upon a time, in a city so divine.
Called West Side Compton, there stood a little nigga.
He was five-foot something, dazed and confused.
Talented but still under the neighbourhood ruse.
All of that paved the way for one of the nastiest monsters I have ever met, Bipolar Disorders. Slowly I found myself seeking a new type of addiction through solitude. I imprisoned myself inside the walls of many hotel rooms, elite suites, and a fancy house. For the first time, I discovered how comfortably tears can be, what it meant to drift endlessly inside my own thoughts, and most importantly, why sadness can be an ultimate joy.
“So when you play this song, rewind the first verse,
About me abusing my power so you can hurt,
About her and me in the shower whenever she horny,
About her and me in the after-hours of the morning,
About her baby daddy currently serving life.”
I started a couple of startups that failed in less than 18 months and lost my life savings. Still consumed by ego, I traveled into three countries with cultures identical to previous Islamic, African, and Arabic. I was looking for another place to hide with a corporate job, but I wasn’t lucky this time. After hitting bottom, it mysteriously led to spiritual awakening and acknowledgment of consciousness as an authentic self. Unfortunately, once again, I ignored all the signs of my Mental Health issues. This time, new monsters came to life, the dominance of the Suicidal Thoughts and more dangerous Substance Addictions habits.
“I’m fucked up, but I ain’t as fucked up as you.
You just can’t get right; I think your heart made of bulletproof,
Should’ve killed yo’ ass a long time ago,
You should’ve felt that black revolver blast a long time ago.
And if these mirrors could talk, it’d say, “You gotta go.”
And if I told your secrets, the world knows money can’t stop a suicidal weakness.”
Moving on to 2018, I am now fully aware of my mental health problems. I finally tried psychiatric services after almost two decades of thinking otherwise. I listened more to my spiritual callings by prioritising meditations and praying. I spent more time listening to spiritual teachers such as Alan Watt, J. Krishnamurti, and Al-Hallaj. I moved from both Khartoum and Dubai to Cairo to start a new life. I started at the bottom of the ladder, but I worked hard and made it to the top. I was promoted to a digital marketing manager after working for one year as a digital executive assistant. I started building a new version of myself little by little while I lived in my own home for the first time.
I settled there for almost a year until 19-December-2018, which announced the beginning of Sudan’s glorified revolution against a ruthless thirty-year dictator military regime. During my early teenage years in the middle of the 90s, I listened to revolutionary legends such as Bob Marley and Tupac Shakur. My passions were centered around kicking out these radicals who turned our country into one of the most retrogressive places worldwide. I didn’t mention the massive number of traumas that I had in Sudan between (2001–2016) while studying at college and taking care of my family, whom my father sent them to stay in Sudan while still working in the UAE. The radical regime enforced several security procedures against activists and opposition political parties, including arrests and torture, which I had my share from.
As I mentioned earlier about my “revolutionary hustler” persona, I always considered it my genuine, authentic side. My whole life was ultimately based on the principle of constant change toward grown collective conciseness. We must never rest with the current status, always seeking transformation of cultures, politics, traditions, science, and even religions.
This feeling’ is brought to you by adrenaline and good rap.
We don’t share the same synonym; fall back.”
I ignored the whole Mental Health again, and I went back to Sudan to participate in the peaceful revolutionary acts initiated by the public. The situation was chaotic, traumatising, and sharply emotional, where you could feel the nine emotions of a human in the same day or maybe an hour. I could’ve seen clearly how these revolution events impacted my Mental Health as I became more depressive when alone and more hyper when with the crowds.
I know everything, know myself
I know morality, spirituality, good and bad health
I know fatality might haunt you
I know everything I know Compton,
I know street shit, I know shit that’s conscious
I know everything, I know lawyers, advertisement and sponsors
I know wisdom, I know bad religion, I know good karma
I know everything, I know the history
I know the universe works mentally
I know the perks of bullshit isn’t meant for me
I know everything, I know cars, clothes, hoes, and money
I know loyalty, I know respect, I know those that are ornery
I know everything, the highs, the lows, the groupies, the junkies
I know if I’m generous at heart, I don’t need recognition
The way I’m rewarded — well, that’s God’s decision
I know you know that line’s for Compton School District
Just give it to the kids, don’t gossip ’bout how it was distributed
I know the price of life; I’m knowing’ how much it’s worth
After six months of active street protesting and surviving the vicious attacks by the regime security forces, a beam of light sparked the nation’s consciousness after the successful initiative to establish a sit-in area in front of the army headquarters in the capital Khartoum. Millions of Sudanese citizens gathered at the agreed space announcing the beginning of a new chapter in our struggle. The sit-in area suddenly became the utopia that we dreamt about for such a long time. It had its own agreed rules by everyone and led to the step down of the dictator president and his government after only a week.
“I met a little boy that resembled my features.
Nappy afro, a gap in his smile, hand-me-down sneakers.
Run a number on man and woman that crossed him.
Sun beamin’ on his beady beads, exhausted.
Tossin’ footballs with his ashy, black ankles.
Breakin’ new laws mama passed on home training’
He looked at me and said, “Kendrick, you do know my language.
You just forgot because of what public schools had painted.
Oh, I forgot, ‘Don’t Kill My Vibe,’ that’s right, you’re famous.
I used to watch it on Channel 5, TV was taken.
But never mind, you’re here right now, don’t you mistake it.
It’s just a new trip; take a glimpse of your family ancestor.
Make a new list of everything you thought was progress.
And that was bullshit; I know your life is full of turmoil.
Spoiled by fantasies of who you are, I feel bad for you.
I can attempt to enlighten you without frightening’ you.
If you resist, I’ll back off quick, go catch a flight or two.
But if you pick destiny over rest-in-peace.
Everyone in the sit-in area was aware that a massacre will occur in the square and that it is being organised by the military council, which came to power after the previous regime. Suicidal Thoughts, a new monster I’m not familiar with, has struggled with the concept of “closure” and building a noble image of dying during a massacre. I didn’t know that was absurd thinking and very dangerous until I was caught in the middle of fires between the army and opposite security forces. While the protesters ran to save their lives, I stood firmly, using stones to hit the opposing parties. I encountered a dilemma; isolation, depression, and fear were evident in my life after that recent revelation of craving death.
On the third of June in 2019, a massacre took place by military council mercenaries in the sit-in area without any interference from army forces. This act of violence put me in a direct confrontation with my Mental Health issues. I became physically ill, deeply depressed, and angry with everything, especially that I wasn’t there on the day of the massacre. I planned to die there, mainly to escape from all these demonic emotions that I raised inwardly for more than thirty years.
They tell me it’s a new gang in town,
From Compton to Congress, Set-trippin’ all around,
Ain’t nothin’ new but flu of new Demo-Crips and Re-Blood-icans,
Red state versus a blue state — which one you governing’?
They give us guns and drugs, call us thugs,
Make it they promise to f*** with you,
No condom, they f*** with you, Obama says, “What it do?””
I managed to find a new job in Cairo in less than three weeks after the massacre. This time, I prioritised my mental health, and I continued my therapies and described medicines, but again I could feel a heavy load coming from my abandoned past. After six months into my new life, a breakthrough happened back in Sudan, where a new political agreement transferred power to the civilians for the first time in thirty years. I had many calls from family, friends, and colleagues to come back and participate in the development of our upcoming uprising.
During my last job in Cairo, I came across a new practice called “Design Thinking” or “Human-Centred Design,” which formed a central part in the upcoming climax of our story “I need a SAFE SPACE .!”.
Of course, you can easily predict the next part of the story. I went back again to Sudan and this time to contribute to the new evolving Eco-System. I decided to establish the first design thinking agency in the country that focuses on supporting governmental agencies to rebuild the country. I initiated a design project to innovate a business model that would suit the country’s contextual constraints and the people’s empathetic needs.
“I washed my hands, I said my grace
What more do you want from me?
Tears of a clown, guess I’m not all that it’s all meant to be
The project was extended across nine months and covered more than twenty interviews, twelve prototypes, eighteen business models, one pilot, and two significant contracts. During the initial design project, I came across the most crucial concept in my personal and professional life. The concept “Safe Spaces” was identified as the most critical element to deliver our services successfully.
We needed to ensure that our studios, classes, offices, and workshop areas adhere completely to adequate “Safe Spaces” requirements or policies. A “Safe Space” concept was triggered by the women and LGBT movement back in the sixties that may help protect marginalised groups with a society.
“I said they treat me like a slave, cause’ me black
From the co-design or co-creation perspective, it meant basically accepting each and everyone in the room unconditionally. It is very fundamental in a co-creation context because the fuel of creativity relies on honest reflections within the group. An actionable reflective mode can’t be achieved if personas are excluded by judgment, stereotyping, or other forms of discrimination. The revealed insight led me to a careful inspection of my own spaces, either outwardly or inwardly, which revealed a lot in terms of my spiral life patterns and Mental Health issues. For example, I discovered that I didn’t create a Safe Space inwardly within myself or outwardly with any of my family members or friends to reflect on my Mental Health issues. That is why I consider this essay as the actual start toward a new liberated myself. Here I am, turning the whole world into both an inwardly and outwardly safe space!
I deserve a safe place.
I deserve to leave toxic places, negative relationships, and hurtful people.
I need to love myself enough.
To create a space for it where I can learn how to be kind to myself.
I deserve to be heard and loved.
I started a series of confrontations and reflections with my closest family members first. This led to an important insight regarding the culture in my current society. Closed traditional societies tend to deny Mental Health issues using invalidation and pre-judgment as main strategies. Deferring judgment and acceptance mindsets are crucial for implementing safe spaces. Even if these issues were acknowledged, other concerns such as social stigma and stereotyping of psychological problems would probably lead to even more denial.
“And the world don’t respect you
And the culture doesn’t accept you
And the girls gonna neglect you once your parody is done
Reputation can’t protect you if you never had one
Jealousy (complex), emotional (complex)
Self-pity (complex), under oath (complex)
The loudest one in the room, n****, that’s a complex
Let me put it back in proper context.”
I designed a totally new life for myself as a digital nomad where I can be global and find proper medical and psychological help of high quality. I started by registering my new company in Europe through Estonia E-Residency Program. I also made use of the latest digital nomad visas schemes and found couple of countries to settle in. The transformation will be backed by a digital business model based on remote workshops. My target here is to go as far as possible from my usual Arabic, African and Islamic cultures that held me down for a long time. Please don’t get me wrong; these cultures are an essential part of my identity. I will always carry the transformed versions of my past (inside my safe space) to the whole world.
Huh, when you looking at me, tell me, what do you see?
Ahh, I put a bullet in the back of the head of the police
Uh, illuminated by the hand of God, boy, don’t seem shy
So Now, What?
First of all, I don’t want to make the same mistake again, at least after I learned about safe spaces that much. The whole design thinking practice is based on creating these spaces. For ultimately transforming ownership of the design process to the user “him/her/them” self. I want to focus my next business model for THIS Design Thinking using safe spaces / cultural transformations lenses. The purpose of turning the world into a safe place where everyone can flourish to become, and only to be free from attachments, seems like a great one! Isn’t it?
I now imagine different types of safe spaces, safe restaurants, safe hospitals, safe schools, safe houses, and safe streets. Recently I had an idea of Safe Spaces Ratings and Maps (SSRM), where we can find a collective rating for all places. The rating is collective by two means; first, it is generated by the community; second, it is based on universal standard human rights. Such a map integration will prevent a massive number of people from getting triggered or abused in the first place. I have more than twenty features, business models, and ideas in our “SPACES.XO” studio.
I consider myself as a LIVE Prototype for the thesis of safe spaces. “Digital Art Therapy” is another prototype in the making with projects published as NFTs valuable assets. I am working on several computer-generated art projects myself. Next, I will look for participants to try the new therapy method and design it themselves. If we can only teach ourselves how to successfully create safe spaces, then we are definitely making humanity better.
My last idea and call for action will be the “Safe Spaces Creators Network” early prototype. I would like to start a series of workshops to solve the new digital trend spaces puzzle. A design project to create the next-generation digital spaces from the lenses of a marginalised communities. Please join the team and me in pursuing such a great cause. SSCN’s early prototype will take a leap into creating anonymous, safe spaces and support networks in the context of the GBV ecosystem.
If you are interested, please send me a DM at https://twitter.com/KintyDread.
Final Notes
This essay came at a great time of inspiration, lessons to be learned, and gurus to be heard. It is not a coincidence that I explored through Kendrick Lamar’s Album “To Pimp A Butterfly” with the great help of “Dissect” Spotify Podcast. The album naturally came as a tunnel for us (marginalised communities) to grow through, evolve intensively, and emerge with new wings of freedom. I can see through the album my own struggle as a young liberated Muslim, African, and Arabian black man. Living by two cultural rules, the first, “No Explaining or Reflecting,” the second, “No Complaining or Empathising.” Kendrick Lamar drew a living story for us to leap into this competitive, acquisitive, and aggressive society.
“The ghost of Mandela, hope my flows stay propelling’
Let my words be your Earth and moon, you consume every message
As I lead this army, make room for mistakes and depression.”
I shared parts of each song along with my personal self-reflections in the same order of the album’s songs. I was inspired by one of the greatest heroes that I ever met, who helped me through the first edit of this essay, Rayan. I had to include her suggested lyrics from Beyonce’s song, Save The Hero, which told more about me than I ever knew. In these final notes, I would like to include inspirations from his last masterpiece, “Mortal Man,” along with Kendrick’s final version of his poem, manifested through the album.
“I remember you was conflicted
Abusing my power, full of resentment
Resentment that turned into a deep depression
Found myself screaming in the hotel room
tThe evils of Lucy was all around me
Until I came homeBut that didn’t stop survivor’s guilt
Going back and forth, trying to convince me the stripes I earned
Or maybe how A-1 my foundation was
But while my loved ones were fighting the continuous war back in the city
A war that was based on apartheid and discrimination
Made me wanna go back to the city and tell the homies what I learned
Just because you wore a different gang color than mine’s
That doesn’t mean I can’t respect you as a black man
Forgetting all the pain and hurt we caused each other in these streets
If I respect you, we unify and stop the enemy from killing us
But I don’t know; I’m no mortal man
Maybe I’m just another nigga.”
Next, Kendrick took us into a fascinating and insightful conversation with the man who kicked off this whole revolution. The current black intellectual course. A conversation with Mr. Tupac Shakur himself. A motivating definition of a hustler, a natural-born entrepreneur. Yet, a clear message to those trying to shut us down is that the revolution can come at a high cost.
Finally, Kendrick extends down the words describing our world and his album “To Pimp A Butterfly.”
“The caterpillar is a prisoner to the streets that conceived it
Its only job is to eat or consume everything around it
In order to protect itself from this mad city
While consuming its environment
The caterpillar begins to notice ways to survive
One thing it noticed is how much the world shuns him
But praises the butterflyThe butterfly represents the talent, the thoughtfulness
And the beauty within the caterpillar
But having a harsh outlook on life
The caterpillar sees the butterfly as weak
And figures out a way to pimp it to his own benefits
Already surrounded by this mad city
The caterpillar goes to work on the cocoon
He can no longer see past his own thoughts
When trapped inside these walls, certain ideas take root, such as
Going home and bringing back new concepts to this mad city
Wings begin to emerge, breaking the cycle of feeling stagnant
Finally free, the butterfly sheds light on situations
That the caterpillar never considered, ending the internal struggle
Although the butterfly and caterpillar are completely different
To be continued …
